This may be one of those vulnerable posts people think of when they say people over share, ‘try too hard’, or is a great example of how my generation has broken social skills…and honestly, it all may be true…most of these posts never see the light of day with the ‘publish’ button never being clicked…though, I need to write this down and process. So rather then reading too much into this, just understand, im processing.
Im drowning. I write this as the words, “Ive been thinking too much, help me.” repeats from the Twenty One Pilot song playing on my tablet because my daughter has some great taste in music. Little does she know that most of the words they speak are the reality of almost everyone around me. The bliss of ignorance is only appreciated when you’ve lost it…she can listen to that song and like the sound because our taste in music has slated her to like it. But as for the words and meaning, she hasnt a clue. How could she? Shes 5 months old.
Though…I sit here already aching and as I already know why, the music I play for my daughter sings those thoughts to me.
“I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, But now I’m insecure and I care what people think”
“Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days, When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out”
“Out of student loans and tree-house homes we all would take the latter”
…I tout that my favorite part of being in Alaska is its simplicity. Regardless of how hard a day was, when it was time to rest, I COULD REST. Agendas could wait and I could bask in the peace of laying on the rocky ground out looking Gods creation of Bristol Bay. But lets be real…I cant fly to Alaska every time things go wrong, get hard, or I feel stressed. Not only can I not financially support that ridiculous lifestyle and at that point it would make more sense to just move there…its also no way for me to live.
While I love where I live here in Shasta Lake, I have not been able to experience that same simplicity I got in Alaska and I desperately crave it. Laying down on the rocky ground regardless of how uncomfortable it was and instead of thinking of all the ‘have-tos’…you soak in the feeling of the ground beneath you. Close your eyes and lift your face to the oncoming breeze. Let the white noise of nature tune out the screaming voice in your head. Breathe in and breathe out…instead of gasping for that last breath of air before the water of life consumes you.
Responsibility. Expectation. Commitments. Busyness. Addiction. Pain.
For me to fully convey my frustration to you I would have to type out an extremely long rant that you wouldnt be able to follow and if you did…it still would not include everything that has led to this point causing you to probably feel im over reacting and being a complainer, which I suppose I am anyways. Though, the straw that breaks the camels back…is straw none the less but the impact is… devastating.
Why cant I enjoy my daughter? My husband? My job? My community? My blessings? … Im too busy downing from life. Why does life have to be so damn complicated?
The hoops, the paperwork, the fees……and Ive got to laugh because…even peoples drinks have to be complicated…that I can handle but hot damn, you mean to tell me that you cant schedule my daughters check up appointment over the phone, direct me to the website to set up an appointment, but then the website tells me that I need to call you to set up an appointment…dear God, is there like a whole year of school I missed that was suppose to teach me how to speak and interpret ‘adult’? Because I sure as hell missed it.
Ugh, this is about the point I click the little x in the right hand corner of the screen, it asks me if I am sure I want to exit before saving, I say yes, suck all these feels back up, and move about my day like the good adult im suppose to be…
But does being a good adult, good person…have to be a life that has anxiety looking at a clock? a phone? a checkbook? a mailbox? a calendar?
Because this is life…
“We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money””
Lord, save me from this rat race. Take away this fear, anxiety, and insecurities. Let me move through this life with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Give me space to enjoy you and the people you placed in my life. Help me navigate the complexity we’ve created for ourselves. And Lord, please help me lead a more simple life.